Hey everyone! My first time blogging on my very own blog (blogging experience gained thanks to the Minnesota Women's Consortium).
I feel the need to reflectively blog about a recent happening in my life. I went on a terrible date. No, this is not going to be a whining post. Rather, I realized after the conversations with this person occurred that the differences we were encountering were not only ideological but also very much stemming from class.
To start at the beginning: Basically this guy was from my past; had once been interested in me (nearly a decade ago, ha). After I contacted him this summer to apologize for some earlier rude treatment, he randomly contacted me a few weeks ago. Because I hadn't talked to him in nearly a decade, I inquired about his high school experience. "I hated it," he said. Understandable, I thought; many people don't like their high schools. "There was this one teacher who made our life hell; we made her life hell. She kept telling us we were racist just because she had a black boyfriend. She was shoving all this diversity crap down our throats."
At this point I interjected, "I work for the Department of Multicultural Life at my school; we talk about those issues a lot so I find those discussions interesting. However, it sounds like maybe the way she was going about introducing those issues wasn't the best way or very effective." Nodding, he said, "Yeah, she had us read all these books about women's oppression...she'd ask me and my friends questions and we'd just tell her, you know, 'frankly, we just don't see it.'" He smirked to himself, clearly impressed by this memory and his apparently clever answer.
"Just so you know, I'm a women's studies major; I'm also a feminist, so you should just know that those things are important to me. You're entitled to your opinions, but you should be aware," I commented, getting uncomfortable. "What kind of class was it supposed to be?" I asked. "It was supposed to be an American lit[erature] class!" he said incredulously. "Well you know," I began, "oftentimes there's a single perspective given preference by the people who design the courses. I think it's important to listen to the other voices we aren't accustomed to hearing. To me that class sounds very interesting."
After my mention of feminism, I told him that I'm not enthralled with the political two-party system. I don't like to align myself with one particular political group. He echoed that statement, but then added, "If you had to put me somewhere on the spectrum, though, I'm probably far right. Pretty much the opposite of you," he ventured. I think I just half-nodded, increasingly pondering how to handle the situation. I don't consider myself far left, but in terms of feminism I can be fairly radical. Ironically, once the date took a bad turn, I found myself thinking, "What would Betty do?" because Betty Suarez on Ugly Betty often sits through bad dates; she's someone I admire so it was helpful to compose myself accordingly.
Somehow the conversation drifted elsewhere, and we were discussing career paths. He's studying mechanical engineering "only for the money," because "I hate this state." Again, understandable, I thought, since it can be stifling to stay in the same place for your entire life. Though I was getting very negative vibes from him, I decided to push my through the conversation. Then he told me he recently went to the casino. "Oh, how was that?" I inquired, searching for a discussion topic.
WARNING: THIS MAY BE OFFENSIVE to some, so please don't read on if you're concerned about oppressive comments.
"I won like $14. I don't gamble much; I just don't like giving my money to the Indians," he went on. Taken aback, I then asked something to the effect of, "Excuse me? You mean the Native Americans?" "Yeah, I mean, they don't pay taxes," he said in an unfriendly tone. I don't know much about who does or doesn't pay taxes, but I then had to say, "This is the point at which I can't be quiet. You do know we kind of massacred the Native Americans when we took over the U.S.?" "Yeah but if they want equal rights as citizens, they should pay taxes. It makes me nervous having them handle my money," he defended. "Two of my friends I'm living with are Native American, and it's really opened my eyes to the injustices perpetuated...I don't feel good. I don't feel comfortable in this conversation," I requested my check from the waitress, who kindly wished that I feel better.
"We don't have to talk about this. I mean, we can talk about something else. I'm not easily offended," he replied, clearly surprised and slightly confused. "No, I think I better get going. I'm uncomfortable," was my repeated response. He decided to leave at the same time, and as I turned toward my house, feeling increasingly upset, I managed to say, "Have a nice life," because I don't ever intend to see him again. I think he mentioned something about getting together again but I certainly didn't listen closely.
I vented angrily and with disgust to both my mom and several friends, expecting sympathy etc. I mostly received sympathy, but two friends also offered uniquely honest perspectives. My first friend suggested that I should open this young man's mind by continuing the conversation. At the time, I couldn't at all imagine doing that, and said so rather defensively to my friend. From my experiences at a high school which I felt wasn't often open to such dialogue, I felt I would hit a dead end of mutual admission of difference in the conversation. There's nothing wrong with admitting differences, but I felt that the point of difference had already been reached, though via a rougher route.
However, one of my other friends whose honesty I also find invaluable raised some discomfort in me by pointing out some of my hypocrisy in my elaboration on the event. I got defensive at the time but now see the value in both these friends' comments and also in the sympathetic reactions I've received. The two friends I've mentioned acutely raised questions about the contradictions of behavior at my college, in which we preach tolerance but in situations like mine we're often intolerant of opposing viewpoints and thereafter close the door on dialogue. Admittedly, one of the key reasons I was so excited to attend my college was that it calls itself 'open-minded'. Nevertheless, I often consider it quite similar to my high school in that I've found both student bodies very homogeneous ideologically and politically, to the point where assumptions are made in the classroom and statements considered facts when, in fact, the student body only represents a few microcosms of thought, not the entire world of 'truth', whatever that may be.
Granted, if comments are hurtful it's perfectly legitimate and understandable to exit the conversation (obviously I did just that). My discomfort in the situation was valid; a person shouldn't have to partake in a discussion which hurts perself or others with whom that individual is allied. Additionally, my defense of myself as a woman and defense of others dear to me was also critical and very legitimate.
Nevertheless, the ideologies which this young man propagates are unquestionably a hybrid product of his race, class, upbringing and experiences. Hence, the way in which I defend myself and friends, and subsequently how I discuss that reaction, could be modified to increase awareness of the immense privilege which I possess in being able to name and discuss oppression at an elite, private, ridiculously expensive liberal arts college in the United States. From hearing this young man's motivations for choosing his course of study, I should recognize the significant differences in the types of education we're receiving and consequently what we consider valuable. In my heated reactions to my friends, I may've come across as somewhat self-righteous, an attitude I find unproductive; I don't see myself as a savior and don't want to act as if I am. On the other hand, being an ally outside the college bubble is extremely important to combat racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, and all other hurtful behaviors and forms of oppression. I can't forget that classism is another harmful form of oppression, which is deeply tied to race relations, gender/sex relations, and other ways in which we categorize ourselves and relate to others. Finally, it's necessary to understand how be a strong ally in an effective, class-aware manner with people who haven't received or pursued the same educational avenues.
If any of y'all have ideas as to how to promote alliance and related conversations in a non-hierarchical, non-classist manner, please share.
Thanks for reading,
Lolly
